I weighed myself yesterday, finally! 195.6.  Less than I thought it would be!  So that's something to be excited about, for sure.  Granted, I am 5'4" and feel comfortable around 150 and am truly "healthy" at 130-140, so I have a long ways to go.

I'm still having the same issues of being all motivated at night before bed when I'm reflecting on my bad decisions of the day, ready to tackle the world tomorrow.  But when I actually face the day in the morning, I am so easily swayed.  I rarely take the time to think through a decision and impulsively will eat what I want in that moment.

I have a few ideas for how to tackle that.
1) Consistency is key! Or so I've heard.  People who have lost weight claim that eating the same few things over and over again was really helpful.  It takes the guesswork out and keeps you regimented.   have the tendency to get a hairbrained idea like "hm, tonight I want to make a giant pot of spaghetti bolognese!" Or "I want a cookie so I'll make an entire batch right now!"  By eating the same few meals over and over I'll surely be bored but maybe my brain will be less likely to make those snap decisions.
2) Meditation...?  I feel weird writing that.  I have no intention of getting cross-legged on the floor of the nurses lounge when I feel a craving for a cookie to ohm my way through it.  But I've heard that mindfulness is helpful for people with impulsive eating problems.  If you really think about how you feel, how you really FEEL in the moment, maybe you can identify a need besides the cookie.  Maybe you're really thirsty, or you're feeling stressed or sad or isolated.  And then you can scratch the real itch rather than slapping a delicious warm gooey guilt-inducing bandaid on it.  This is something that will take A LOT of practice.  I am basically the opposite of mindful when it comes to food.  I'm thinking I might start trying to become more mindful independent of food first....like maybe I'll set an alarm on my cell to go off every hour on the dot, and when it goes off I take a minute to close my eyes and breathe and re-calibrate.  Maybe by doing that and getting in the practice of checking in with myself, that practice will cross over into helping me tackle cravings and impulse food decisions.

Today I did great and ate healthy until I got home from work, was exhausted, and ate 4 slices of sourdough bread with butter.  Seriously.  Why???????  Perhaps if I had been in the habit of a post-work green smoothie I would have made that instead, and if I had been in the practice of thinking through my impulses I would have realized that I wasn't actually hungry for the bread, in retrospect I was really thirsty and very tired.

So, I'm gonna give this a try over the next few days and see what happens.

Ok, so I didn't weigh myself.  I'm afraid!  It's scary to be honest with yourself.  It's scary to see how far you have to go.  However, for me at least I feel like I have to be able to keep metrics on myself to get anywhere. Some people could lose weight without the scale and just go by how their clothes fit.  I wish I could do that, but I just wouldn't feel accountable.

I also have been having like one fuck-up a day.  I'll eat really healthy until 4 pm and then come home and it's snack city.  Or I'll do great until after dinner and decide I just HAVE to whip up a batch of peanut butter cookies.  I need to diagnose exactly what it is I need that isn't food when I do this.  Like, when I binge after work it probably has to do with being tired more than anything, so maybe a coffee or a nap would treat the real issue.  Or after dinner I'm just bored or I want something sweet.  So maybe I should go on a walk or have a Dove dark chocolate square.  It takes discipline and a lot of guts to diagnose and then act on those things, though.

I WILL weigh myself tomorrow morning! Girl scouts honor!

Welp, it's been a HOT MINUTE since I last checked in here.  Or checked in with myself really at all.  I started my new job a couple weeks ago and things have been pretty hectic.  Good hectic...I really like it and the time flies when I'm at the hospital.  Currently, I'm working 5 8-hour shifts instead of 3 12's, so it's very busy.  I'm looking forward to working 3 12's so it frees up more days to exercise and cook healthy food.

I've had a tough time staying true to what I'm trying to accomplish.  I'll make healthy choices until around 4 and then it's all shot to shit.  Guess I can infer it has a lot to do with exhaustion.  Hopefully as I transition to 3 12's I will only deal with the exhaustion factor on 3 days a week, so I can mitigate the bad choices.

Tomorrow morning if I remember I plan to weigh myself for the first time in a while.  That always seems to motivate me.  More tomorrow, assuming I remember!

I have such a hard time staying on track.  I forget so easily what I want and what my goals are in the moment.  Like today I left the hospital and was very hungry, but not like pass out on the highway from hypoglycemia hungry, and ended up going to Bojangles for dinner.  And not only did I go to Bojangles, but I got a fried chicken meal with an EXTRA side.  And I didn't get healthy veggie sides, I got mac and cheese and mashed potatoes.  It's like when I make a poor decision I feel like there's no point to even trying for the rest of the day (or the meal) and I might as well just keep eating terrible things.

Life gets in the way sometimes and that's also really hard to adapt to, for me at least.  For example, I'm going to the beach for a couple days this weekend and then for the next two weeks working 5 days a week instead of 3.  So in my mind, I'm like why even try if I'm going to be eating decadently at the beach and I don't really have a lot of time to cook at home? Might as well just eat whatever the hell I want and kick the can down the line for another two weeks, right?  In two weeks I'll miraculously figure my shit out and start being healthy.

The problem is I've been saying that for about 6 years and I just keep getting fatter.  I have to learn that life will always "get in the way" and I have to prioritize my goals and make better choices.  There's never an easy time to make a change.  I just have to up and do it.

Hello, cyberspace!

I'm creating this blog to try and become more accountable about my health and ultimately my life.  I have lived the past few years with about 50-60 pounds of excess weight on me, and that weight represents so much more than unhealthy food.  It represents anger and shame, fear and loneliness, regret and resentment.  I have a lot of things from childhood that I haven't quite let go of yet and that can literally be seen on my body in pounds of fat.

For years I've sat on the sidelines of life, blaming others for my problems and consoling myself with meal after meal after meal.  I have so much going for me.  A great family (albeit the source of much of my stress and anger), lovely, supportive friends, a challenging job, and I live in a brand new city that I am so excited to explore.

I am so tired of feeling lost and I want to find myself.  I want to treat my body with respect and love rather than with anger.  By creating this blog I want to hold myself accountable to eating respectfully, staying on top of my weight, and using this internet-void as a place to vent and cry and cheer and console myself when I need it.  I fully expect no one will ever read this (and frankly, that's fine with me.  Shit's gonna get REAL).  But I hope just the act of making myself vulnerable and getting out of my head will help me finally, at age 26, learn to love and take care of myself.