I have such a hard time staying on track.  I forget so easily what I want and what my goals are in the moment.  Like today I left the hospital and was very hungry, but not like pass out on the highway from hypoglycemia hungry, and ended up going to Bojangles for dinner.  And not only did I go to Bojangles, but I got a fried chicken meal with an EXTRA side.  And I didn't get healthy veggie sides, I got mac and cheese and mashed potatoes.  It's like when I make a poor decision I feel like there's no point to even trying for the rest of the day (or the meal) and I might as well just keep eating terrible things.

Life gets in the way sometimes and that's also really hard to adapt to, for me at least.  For example, I'm going to the beach for a couple days this weekend and then for the next two weeks working 5 days a week instead of 3.  So in my mind, I'm like why even try if I'm going to be eating decadently at the beach and I don't really have a lot of time to cook at home? Might as well just eat whatever the hell I want and kick the can down the line for another two weeks, right?  In two weeks I'll miraculously figure my shit out and start being healthy.

The problem is I've been saying that for about 6 years and I just keep getting fatter.  I have to learn that life will always "get in the way" and I have to prioritize my goals and make better choices.  There's never an easy time to make a change.  I just have to up and do it.

Hello, cyberspace!

I'm creating this blog to try and become more accountable about my health and ultimately my life.  I have lived the past few years with about 50-60 pounds of excess weight on me, and that weight represents so much more than unhealthy food.  It represents anger and shame, fear and loneliness, regret and resentment.  I have a lot of things from childhood that I haven't quite let go of yet and that can literally be seen on my body in pounds of fat.

For years I've sat on the sidelines of life, blaming others for my problems and consoling myself with meal after meal after meal.  I have so much going for me.  A great family (albeit the source of much of my stress and anger), lovely, supportive friends, a challenging job, and I live in a brand new city that I am so excited to explore.

I am so tired of feeling lost and I want to find myself.  I want to treat my body with respect and love rather than with anger.  By creating this blog I want to hold myself accountable to eating respectfully, staying on top of my weight, and using this internet-void as a place to vent and cry and cheer and console myself when I need it.  I fully expect no one will ever read this (and frankly, that's fine with me.  Shit's gonna get REAL).  But I hope just the act of making myself vulnerable and getting out of my head will help me finally, at age 26, learn to love and take care of myself.